PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
