my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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