His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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