There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
