Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
