I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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