I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
