Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
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We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
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It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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