she looked like the before picture.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
