Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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