New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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