Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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