Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
