Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
