Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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