Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
