There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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