He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I need a burrito and a hug.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
