Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
