Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
