Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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