I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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