we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
