Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
