You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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