there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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