where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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