he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
