I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
