In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Terrible idea I love it
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
