Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
