Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
