By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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