At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
