My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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