We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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