if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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