We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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