A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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