Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
