i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
