im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
