billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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