my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
