I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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