if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
