hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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