my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
