we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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