when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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