Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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