Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
