I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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