doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
