when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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