My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
