All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
