he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
