Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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