my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
