Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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