i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
